I’m a navel gazer. No other way to term it. I think too much, I analyze too much, I have a ‘loud brain’ that never shuts off. Often it gets me into looking too deeply at a thing and I miss out on the bigger picture-but sometimes it helps me learn life’s lessons, helps me see things from a unique or different perspective, and often it gives me little gems that are like treasure to my heart and mind.
One such loud brain moment hit me the other night as I sat listening to live music at a local dinner theatre venue – I was wearing a scarf and the scarf was what triggered my navel gazing and produced a little gem.
I never wore scarves. I would wear one in winter only for warmth but certainly not as a fashion item. It took me years to actually own even one. The picture above is me and two of my friends (one from Belgium!) standing outside the Rose Garden in Portland Oregon, December 2005, the day before U2’s Vertigo tour show. My scarf is red – I found red and black fuzzy yarn and decided to knit myself a ‘U2 Vertigo’ scarf for the occasion – it turned out too long; even when looped around my neck twice it was nearly down to my knees! But it was warm, and it was a neat thing to share with my U2 friends.
Scarves soon became a necessity for me however. The above photo was taken 3 months after being diagnosed with breast cancer, 1 month after undergoing surgery, and 1 month before starting 6 rounds of chemo. The U2 ‘quest’ was my incentive to get through the surgery and heal, and it worked.
Come January 2006, I started chemo – one round every 3 weeks which took nearly4 hrs to administer by IV, and I underwent 6 rounds from January to May of 2006. Within the first 10 days of the first treatment, my hair fell out of course, and so began my season of scarves. For some reason hats never worked for me – they didn’t cover the back of my neck, they weren’t warm enough in the chill of the winter months, and a scarf just felt more secure and less ‘cancer patient’ when I was in public. Perhaps too it was inspired by U2 guitarist The Edge’s ‘pirate’ period – a slice in time when he was transitioning from having hair to going bald, and chose to wear scarves to cover it. (this was pre-beanie). His scarves were very hippyish, long enough to trail down his back, and looked very cool-ish ‘rock and roll’ and so I too chose to wear scarves.
I scoured all the ‘tween’ shops, dollar stores, and even vintage clothing shops to find whatever struck my fancy. I had a rock and roll red, white, and black ‘Edge’ scarf (still have this one!). I had black bandanna, 2 khaki green bandannas, a lovely silk black and white scarf, and a really cool orange and pinkish scarf that perfectly matched my sweater- both of which I wore to an art reception and a Great Big Sea concert. I even had friends from far away places sending me scarves. The bandannas however, became my mainstay – especially the khaki green ones. I became an expert at folding it into just the right size triangle and tucking the corners down so they wouldn’t stick up, and I knew precisely where on my (fallen out) eyebrows to place the bandanna before tying it behind in a knot (lots of studying pics of Edge in his bandanna!). Some days though, I had ‘bad bandanna days’, and I”d toss the offending scarf in a corner and select a new one from my little stash on the dresser… ‘bad hair’ day? You can’t shave it off – you’re stuck with it. Bad bandanna days? Just get a new one 
self portrait-used the grill of a semi truck as mirror
Come the month of May and my torture was ended and so began the long slow healing process – and it took quite a while for my hair to start growing back. I had visions of it growing back in bone-straight, and I’d be able to spike it and perhaps dye it blue – but unknown to me at the time, it doesn’t happen like that. Post chemo hair is nearly always curly. Mine came in black instead of dark blonde and it was fuzzy like I’d scorched or singed it. Yuk! I decided to shave it off, and did so about 4 times before finally letting it grow back in again – and meanwhile I still wore my scarves to cover it up… until summer hit and it got so hot that I said ‘to hell with it’ and went out for the next few months looking like Sigourney Weaver in Alien.
When it finally grew in fully, the scarves were ditched. Some were too ratty to do more than toss in the bin, some were sent to the thrift store and I did keep one khaki bandana – I have no idea why really. Scarves were a disdainful necessary evil at the time, but no longer worthy to be in my closet… a reminder of a time I didn’t want to remember!
And then one day, I met a man in a band through doing my Comfort Doll Project. He was wearing a scarf. In fact, in every photo I googled of him online (prior to meeting him), he was wearing a scarf. Some were nice, some had definitely seen better days, and I had the impression that his scarf was a form of security blanket. Until I met him. He was quiet but not shy. Self assured. Comfortable with himself and with strangers. And so I realized the scarf was from choice not need, fashion not security. I was intrigued – seeing a man wear a scarf as a fashion accessory was new to me but I decided that if he was man enough to buck the current fashion trend (no scarves) then so was I – I liked the look of it. I bought my first ‘real’ scarf; a black, grey and white hounds tooth fringed standard ‘rock star issue’ scarf and wore it to work one day. And I discovered something unique.
Scarves can make your outfit stand out. Scarves can hide tired, wrinkled necks on older people. Scarves can keep you warm in a drafty or air conditioned room. Scarves can make you feel flirty, or like you just stepped off a fashion runway…. they can change your outlook on the world for the day; give you a sense of assurance and confidence… my scarf did all this … but my scarf also brought me a sense of comfort and security in the early days when I was rediscovering the ‘different’ me. It helped me transition from who I was, to who I saw in the mirror as I recovered.
my Product (RED) scarf @ U2 show
It’s been 3 years and I’m nearly always comfortable in my ‘new’ skin. And yes I still wear scarves. Not all the time but often, and yes, sometimes even in summer (choose the right fabric and color, and a scarf is very nice on a summer night or can double as a cover up when you get too much sun). My scarves make me feel flirty, like I just stepped off the fashion runway in New York or Paris. They make me feel unique, and can finish off a boring sweater as well as keep me warm when its windy out… And yes, my scarf at times is still my security blanket – it still gives me a sense of comfort – but not as often these days. And the fellow who inspired me to try scarves? Yes.. he’s still wearing them now and again too
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